They hear what you have to say, but they rarely listen.
Due to many circumstances in my life, I always find myself being the person to call when in trouble, when in doubt, and when lost. I take this reality very seriously, and by no means am I boasting about this privileged position in a mocking manner for I understand the weight of the trust placed on me. That being said I have noticed consistent patterns that often feel like my advice falls into deaf ears.
1 — Do you want to vent or do you want solutions?
A problem solver at heart, you list a problem and I will barrage you with solutions. With feedback from friends and family I have come to realize that — sometimes people just want to vent. They don’t want the 4D chess solution I am so excited to provide. They just need someone to listen without judgement, and sometimes I fail to recognize that.
2- “The Solutions Exist!” — “But… Is there an easy way out?”
Some might say I romanticize struggle, adversity and (the equity department’s new favorite word) resiliency. Throughout my life I have endured many experiences that are often attributed and described with the words aforementioned, and so I have found that these are useful experience types to go through as you climb to success. Am I biased? Most assuredly. That being said, I strongly believe that if you’re not willing to struggle for what you want then it simply won’t get realized. Many seek advice without understanding that while the first step is to recognize you need advice and seek it — it is after this step that the real work begins.
3 — The Bruised Ego Dilemma
The people that ask me for help may be confused and lost, but they are 100% sure of one thing: I will be brutally honest. I am extremely up for being proven wrong, or being told I am missing perspectives, but I will explain it and detail it as I see it. The more contextual information you give me, the more objective and useful I will be. When I get through to my “honesty victims’’, they see my postulations, understand them, some justify them, but overall the understanding is transcendental. But alas, the bruised ego comes in to steal the show — and a period of in-efficacy ensues to tend to the bruised ego. While brooding is a crucial part of growth, I often see this reaction lasts a little too long to be productive and it becomes a crutch. Get out of your head and just do the work.
4 — Resistance to Consistency
The secret to success is consistency. This is a habit that most people, including myself, struggle with. When push comes shove excuses are flowing like freshly raked leaves on a cold Chicago autumn day. Let me tell you, they can get real crafty, real quick — the limit in excuse making doesn’t exist. The problem with this self-induced hurdle is that there is no amount of advice, self-help books or crafty friends that can get you out of the funk of making excuses for your ineffective behavior. The kick start to change your life starts within, it is not this catalytic event that generates a mystical motivation to fulfill all your goals.
5 — You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves
This last one goes without saying and has become a cliché but it is truly the most frustrating aspect of the whole experience. You can have all the solutions laid out, content schedules, financial plans, productivity calendars — you name it. You can give them money, pep-talks, advice, professional support, and valuable time — it won’t matter until it clicks in their head that they are capable of anything and that all they need to do is just do it.
